021. MADDISON LANG

This young lady is Maddison Lang!  She's my youngest sister, Regan's oldest and she's one of the most incredible people I've ever known. 

This gentle spirit is so tender hearted and loving that most of the time you don't know how it's possible she can be as kind and sweet as she is.  I'm sure she's got a temper and that everything isn't sunshine and roses all the time, but every single second I've spent with her since she was born has been nothing but absolute joy.

I'm amazed by her.  I think she's gone through a lot as a kid.  I've always worried about her and the situation she's been in most of her life.  Regan moved quite a bit while Maddison was little and she didn't have a lot of chances to stay in one place and make friends.

She's also lived through the divorce of her parents and that's never easy on a kid.  But through it all, she's put on a brave face, been supportive of her siblings and done her very best to make the most of whatever life has thrown at her.

Sometimes she texts me and I love our little exchanges.  She sends me sweet messages with kind notes and in return, I get to tell her how much I love her.  She's wonderful!

I know there's so much more to her than just this small bit I've written and the fact is, I haven't been able to get to know her nearly as much as I've wanted to.  She's far more complex and fascinating than what I've been able to discover.  I hope I get a chance to get to know more about her and spend some quality time with her.  I know it will be time well spent and worthwhile.

This is one special and amazing young woman and I know she will grow up to be incredibly important to the people in her life.  I can't wait to see what she'll achieve.  I'm so proud of her and even more proud to say...

Maddison is a reason for being.

020. BLAKE

This handsome young man is my nephew Blake Stucki and I took this pic a couple of weeks ago when his team won first place in their division for the season.  He'd just been handed a trophy and was posing for pics with his team.  I snapped this one immediately afterward and he generously stopped and posed for me.

Blake is one talented kid!  I can't believe how great he is.  He's one of those boys who's eternally good natured - although sometimes a bit mischievous; but it's all in the name of honest fun and his pursuit of life.  He's a boy who seems to be constantly looking at something else to do.  He's taking guitar lessons, he participates in a theater class and he plays Baseball, Football and Basketball.

Both of his parents are active and you can see the impact that's had on the person he's growing up to be.  He fits right in with them.  If they're on the go, he's right beside them ready for whatever adventure awaits.  I'm in awe of his enthusiasm and the joy he takes in the things he loves to do.  He is the quintessential boy!

In addition to enjoying his Baseball and Football games, I've also noticed Blake is a respectful and courteous young man.  He's always polite and treats me with a great deal of respect.  This, more than anything, makes me proud of him.  I see him growing into a strong, capable man one day and being the type of guy other people want to be around because he makes them feel good about themselves.

It's been a rewarding experience watching this kid grow up.  I'm thankful to my family for sharing their kids with me and allowing me to participate in their lives.  Nothing makes me happier.  And that's why I can say without doubt or hesitation...

Blake is a reason for being!

019. CRAIG

Craig is my brother-in-law.  He's married to Robin!  I've got a ton of things I can say about Craig, but the fact is, they're all basically the same thing.  

Craig is very important to me.  He and Robin include me in their family on a regular basis and make me feel important.  For that reason alone I think he's amazing!

He's one of those guys you meet in school or work with such a laidback casual manner that you're quick to laugh with him or trust him.  As a student of the law, I see him as a highly effective attorney.  I think people would open up to him because he exudes integrity and strength.  I've also noticed how sensitive he is when it comes to the people he loves.  His children adore him!  They're constantly telling me about him in one way or another.

In simple terms, he's a decent guy and that's hard to come by these days.  

Personally, Craig always includes me in the conversation and makes an effort to talk to me when the family is together.  I'm easily one of the few who could end up in a corner watching every happening around me, but Craig has a knack for bringing people out of their shells and helping them feel included.  Even in the most hectic environment.  

I greatly appreciate his friendship!  He went with me to a concert a couple years ago because everyone I knew ditched me and no one wanted to go.  He stepped in and tagged along.  I had a blast!  We chatted in the Parking Lot near a Chinese Restaurant after the show and talked about our shared love of music.  He doesn't pretend to be something he's not and he's a lot of fun when you're hanging with him socially.

I feel extremely blessed to call this guy my brother!  He's built an amazing family with exceptional children, a wife I couldn't love more even if she weren't my sister and a circle of close relatives who lean on him when times get tough.

Craig is an example to me.  I respect him and cherish him as a brother.  

Craig is a reason for being.

018. MATHIAS

It's hard to write because everything I want to say feels useless and awful.  One of my reasons to write this blog is to let my family members know how they impact my life.  I wanted to share how knowing them has enriched me or made me a better person.  But that type of knowledge comes with knowing someone over time.  It comes with interaction.  It comes with building a relationship.

I will never get to do that with Mathias Seely.  I will never see him, never hold him, never tell him how much I love him...  My heart is broken.

For the past couple of days, all I've thought about is what he won't get to do in life.  He won't blow out candles on birthday cakes, cuddle with puppies, open Christmas presents, trick or treat, run through snow, swim in the lake, listen to music or fall in love.

And I think about the useless horrible ache in my dear sister, Rachel's heart...  How she and Tim will now have to go through life loving a child they can never hold or share anything with.  There will be no first steps, no gentle goodnight whispers of "I love you" in their ears, no excitement when he sees fireworks or laughter.  He will be the one they can only love but do nothing for.

I don't know how to make it better.  I don't know how to get these feelings out of my gut because there's no one to tell how much I love him.  I can't reassure him or give him anything.  There's no display of emotion or thing I can do to let this little man know how excited I was to meet him, how much I wanted to know him, how happy I was he was coming or how sad I feel now that he won't get to taste ice cream or read books.

To me, Mathias is someone I know will change my life in a fundamental way.  Right now, he's a feeling inside I don't understand and can't cope with.  I feel utterly overwhelmed.

I don't know how my life will benefit this little spirit, but I still believe he is a reason for being.  

017. DANIELLE

As I've considered this blog, I've had a hard time coming back to it.  There's been so much going on and so many things happening in my life.  But I don't want to die and have my family not know how much I care for them.  I want each one of these to be a message I'm sending out.  I want all of you guys to know how I think and feel about each and every one of you.  But I can't do that if I let my feelings prevent me from writing here.

So, without further complication, I want to introduce the world to my darling niece, Danielle.  I call her "Echo Danielley" because it's a line from that movie, "Only You" and whenever I think of her name, that's what pops into my head.

One of the things I love most about this beautiful girl is her nerd level.  It's completely and utterly neck and neck with my own.  When I'm around her, I can geek out all I want and it's fun.  She doesn't judge me for liking Disney movies, reading comics or doing anything adult men shouldn't do.  She hikes her belt up and joins in.  

She's also the reason I started listening to Owl City.  Without her, I'd never have discovered this band and I've come to love that music.

I think Danny is a tender soul.  I watch her sometimes and see a lot of caution behind her eyes.  As if she's waiting for the world to throw its next punch.  I think this sensitive and highly observant young woman has a pretty firm grip on the world around her, but at the same time, she's cautious about trusting and getting hurt.  She's far more advanced emotionally than someone her age should be.  And she has more perspective than most young people.

That makes me incredibly sad.  

It's hard to live life without expectation.  And to some degree, I think she let's things roll over her because they cause too much pain.

On the other hand, I see a brilliance in her.  I think of stories and have all kinds of ideas.  But she does too.  And her visions are more in tune with the world than my own.  She's tapped into modern pop culture artistically.  She knows what's hot, what people want to see, what they're into and she has the talent to deliver it.  For the past few years, she's turned to freehand sketching and her talent is outrageous.  Her lines are clean, well-formed and she can draw in any one of a number of styles.

I can copy drawings I see.  I can look at them and draw them almost exactly like what I was looking at, but she can mimic the style and draw something completely new and different based on a drawing.  She's way beyond me. I continue to find new reasons to respect her.  

There's a part of me that sees Danielle as a future artistic partner.  I suspect there will come a time in life when we create some sort of literary, media driven or audio empire and she'll be my collaborator.  But that will never happen if I don't get it together and start writing and working harder.  Although I love the idea.

Nothing would make me more happy than to have this delightful, wonderful, amazing woman a more frequent and regular part of my life.

I also think being around her would be a good thing for her.  She needs someone who will push her outside of her comfort zone while at the same time, knowing when to stop and pull back.  She needs to be understood, accepted and loved.

She is a beacon of hope in a world of lonely darkness.  And I say this with the strength of my whole heart...

Danielle is a reason for being.

016. REGAN

This beautiful young woman is my sister, Regan.  I call her Schmegel.  Kinda rhymes with bagel.  Regan is the youngest of my siblings.  She's at the very end of the list and she's the furthest from me in so many ways.  And yet we have a lot of things in common.

Like me, Regan feels a great involuntary sympathy towards animals.  We can't always control how we feel about them.  We see them suffering or leading a hard life and we want to take care of them.  She has a particular way with horses; but I fear she may have lost that touch over the years.  Her life has taken her far away from her association with horses and she doesn't have any in her life right now.

In some ways, I envy Regan's life and in other ways, I feel bad for her.  I think she grew up during a time when mom and dad were doing financially better and things were good for them.  I think the younger ones had an easier life than the older ones.  But at the same time, I think they felt left out of a lot of things.  Let's face it, by the time she came along, there was already a huge history between everyone.

I look at her now and I see a strong, capable woman.  She's a hard worker and she enjoys her work.  She puts everything into whatever she's doing and she'll do anything to make life better for her family.  She feels completely loyal to them and goes to great lengths to keep them happy.

I don't want to get too personal about her private life because she's been through some things I'm not sure she'd be comfortable with me writing about.  But I will say this much...  The time I have had with her lately...  I like her a lot.  And I love her deeply.  I feel a great swell of protectiveness when I think about her.  When I hear she's been mistreated or someone's hurt her, I go into a rage spiral.  It makes me furious.

Granted, she's a fighter and quite able to take care of herself; but that doesn't stop the angry man inside of me from lurching forward and wanting to kill whoever touched or hurt her.  One incident lingers in my mind and I've never been able to get past it.  I'm still furious about it and I don't think I'll ever move past it.

No matter what life throws at her, Regan is a great kid and she's got an amazing family.  I adore her husband and kids!  They're wonderful.  I take great pride in everything she's achieved and I wish I had hours of time to sit and talk to her.  Just bask in her presence.  She's someone I can talk to and enjoy.

I'm not as close to her as I want to be.  And part of that is the pace and schedule of life.  Still, I think she's knows she can depend on me.  At least I hope she does.

In the end, Regan is separated from me by years and yet, she's someone I care for and I feel like she loves me in return.  I remember a few weeks back when I was feeling miserable, she brought me medicine and food.  That was something I internalized because it meant so much to me that she'd do that.

I will commit myself to finding out more about this incredible woman and being a better friend to her.  She's worth it.

Regan is a reason for being.

015. MOM

This is my mom...  Right in the middle of telling me not to take a picture of her.  Hehehe.

Yesterday was her birthday and she was bombarded with attention and people singing to her.  She's seriously one of the most wonderful people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing.

So mom has had a challenging life.  And I won't go into her history, (I'm not even sure I know all of it), but what I do know makes me admire her greatly.  She's survived a lot of crap and she's lived a life full of people judging her.  She doesn't deserve that and one of the things I'm most impressed with is the fact she's come out the other end and she's not taking it anymore.

Women can be strong in many ways.  They can be assertive, aggressive and domineering.  These are the strong women we often see in television and movies.  But my mom is a woman whose strength lay in those quiet moments when she'd talk to you and make you feel like you were the most important person on the planet.  Even with competition from my siblings for attention, she could always make you think you were secretly, her favorite kid.  Whatever pain or trouble you were going through, she could make it seem easy to overcome.

She's a fun loving person and her grandkids are the object of her affection.  She loves being with them and making them feel special.  I know each one of them believes they are the greatest kid in the world because grandma loves them.

She's someone I feel collaborative with.  I feel like I can do things with her and enjoy the experience.  I also love one quality she possesses I think is truly rare.  When she receives a gift, she receives it with her whole heart and soul.  She is moved by kindness and responds to good qualities in others.

I respect her opinions and I seek after her thoughts on many subjects.  Especially trivial things.

She someone I never seem to get enough time with.

For those of you keeping score, I call her "El Madero".

Ultimately, the greatest compliment I can pay her is this...  She's my friend.  Not just my mom.  And I love that closeness.  Happy Birthday, my wonderful mom!  

Mom is a reason for being!

014. BECKY

This is my older sister, Becky Gifford.  There are so many things I can say about her.  So much history and most of it I can't remember.  But I do have strong feelings for her and I think about her a lot.

Yesterday was her birthday and for those of you who don't know this already, Becky and I are Irish twins.  That means we have the same parents and we were born the same year.  She was born in January, I was born in December.

Growing up was kinda different for both of us.  Usually, the firstborn gets to have a relationship with the parents that's special.  They get time all to themselves.  With me showing up almost right behind her, Becky was cheated out of that experience.  And I've always been right there...  Right behind her.

We weren't very close growing up.  I don't think she liked me much and I don't remember how I felt about her, but I do know some things.  I remember when she got married and moved away.  I felt a horrible sadness.  Maybe because her leaving was a sign my own childhood was coming to an end; but I think it was because I had so many regrets.  And suddenly, she was gone and I could never fix the things I'd done wrong.  I couldn't form a strong friendship with her.

We've stayed in touch all these years and I've had many amazing experiences with her as an adult.  So many, I can't begin to count.  Dumpster diving in Vegas for coupons, going shopping, hanging out at her house and more recently, getting to know her and her family better.

You can't talk about Becky with anyone in the family without hearing how much she's inspired everyone and how much of an example she's been to each of her siblings.

I've gained a great deal of respect for her and my love for her deepens constantly.  This wonderful, special, kind and loving woman has raised an amazing family, held down a successful marriage and continues to make ends meet regardless of the curves life throws at her.

And she's been a gentle stillness in my heart at times when I've felt bad and needed kindness.  Just so you know, I call her Shmeckums.

Without a doubt, Becky is a reason for being.

013. DAN

This handsome guy is my brother, Dan...  He'll probably kill me if he sees this pic.  Hehehe, but he shared it online so I figured it was fair game. 

What can I tell you about Dan?  I can tell you my biggest regret, and that is not being as close to him these days as we were when we were kids.

I don't have a good memory of my childhood.  Most of it seems vague, blurry and unreal.  I'm not sure how much of it is true and how much is in my head.  But for many years, I kept a rather detailed record of my day-to-day and my thoughts about things in diaries.

I was reading back through some of those and I was reading about Dan.  Our childhood isn't as much a memory for me as it is a feeling I get when I read about those times.  As I imagine how they were.  Borrowing dad's watch Friday nights so we could wake up and watch Super Friends on Saturday morning...  Catching frogs and crawdads in the creek...  

Dan was my built in buddy as a kid.  We did everything together.  Now I probably see him once or twice a year.  But that's understandable.  Dan has a lot of competition for his time.  He's raising 8 kids and working two jobs to support his family.  Between his work and his kids, he's probably tired.  

But I miss him.  Very much.

I'm fortunate to be in contact with various members of his family, including his wife, Amy...  She and I are good friends and I get updated on his activities from her.  She's fantastic at letting me know how he's doing and what's going on.  In that way, I feel like I'm still a part of his life.

Dan is a good man.  He works hard, and does his very best to raise his family.  There's not a single word I could ever say about him that wouldn't contain my respect and appreciation for the man he's become!

I love him very much.  He's my brother.  I would move the world for him.

Dan is a reason for being.

012. RENAE

This lovely young lady is my sister, Renae Stucki.  I'm not sure why I decided to spend some time writing about her tonight except I was thinking about positive people who impact my life and she popped into my head.

The truth is, I never really got to know her as we were growing up.  She was around Brian a lot and kinda doing her own thing so I never spent much time with her.  Even as an adult, my contact with her was fairly limited.  That is until she moved back to St. George with her family.

Since that time, I've become extremely close to her.  At least I feel like I have.  She's one of the most generous, kind hearted human beings I've ever known.  She's got that fire most of my sisters have.  That spark you never wanna get going cause heaven help you if you get their dander up...  Lol.  She'd be right there defending her family if anyone threatened them and she's got an incredible will.  She sets her mind in one direction and won't accept anything short of progress.

I think Renae's greatest strength is her willingness to act.  When you stop and think about a dangerous situation or something that happens quickly, Renae is one of those people who reaches a decision quickly and moves forward to act on it.  I do it to a lesser degree.  When I'm approached by someone at work to do something, I move right into the job and get to work.  She does it on a much larger scale.  She's also one of those people who springs into action when there's an emergency.  I fancied myself as one of those people, but once at her house, Kade fell down the stairs and I was closest to him.  I just kinda stood there dumbfounded while she leaped past me to catch him.  There's no doubt about it, she's fast!  And that ability to act separates her from most people.

Growing up, I always thought of her as Sha-Nae-Nae.  That nickname seems less funny now that Shane Dawson has a character on his youtube channel using that name.  Lately, when I think of her, I get the name "Renesbet".  You pronounce it RA-NEZ-BET.  What the crap that means I have no idea.  It just fits her.  That's who she is in my head.

Oh, and one more thing super quick before I wind this up...  Renae has one habit I find endlessly entertaining!  She's one of those blooper people.  She'll talk off the top of her head sometimes.  And those statements can be quite shocking!  Even Freudian at times.  I wonder about her comments, but I also find them amusing and I think it's refreshing to be around someone who feels comfortable enough to say what they're thinking.  

I sometimes think God took pity on me.  I went in so many directions in my life I've missed out on a lot of good things.  Renae is one of them.  Knowing her now, I can't imagine not having contact with her.  She's more than just a sister, she's my friend.  And I'm so thankful I have a chance to know her.  

Renae is a reason for being.

011. JASON

This is my brother-in-law, Jason.  I give him a lot of crap and he gives it right back, but in the time I've been around Jason, I've developed an appreciation for his sense of humor.  Jason's got a silly, but dry comedic timing.  I imagine him on stage at a stand up club and laughing at his own jokes the whole time.  It's a wonderful world where you can entertain yourself so easily.

But seriously...  The truth is I absolutely love Jason.  He's one of the most generous, kind-hearted, hard working men I've ever met.  He's devoted to his kids and he truly loves my sister.  No matter how many games, birthdays or events I attend for his family, Jason goes out of his way to let me know how much he appreciates my presence and support.  He makes me important.  And that means a great deal to me.

Through Jason, I've also gotten to know his family.  Especially his mom and dad, Irene and Greg.  These tremendous people are the most genuine, welcoming souls that ever existed.  I adore them.  Even though I'm not related to them, they treat me like part of the family.  For someone like me, without kids of my own, and a relatively new relationship, those bonds are like pure gold.

Jason isn't the kinda guy who shoves things in your face or pushes his beliefs on others.  That's something I think we have in common.  I like to think of myself as tolerant of others and I believe very much in testing my belief system from time to time.  I've noticed Jason encourages his kids to find things out for themselves and wants them to make independent choices.  Many is the time I've hoped they would crack the whip and make Brock play baseball, but it's more important for Jason to let his son choose his own activities.  But once that choice is made, he's in full support mode.

I call Jason "Vanilla Thunda".  Mainly because even when he's not yelling at a ball game, he has an incredible presence and he concentrates intensely on what's happening.  Whereas Raelyn is the megaphone, Jason is the "white noise" rumbling in the background.  You always know when he's there.

When you first meet Jason, you won't see the compassionate man.  You'll see the everyday guy he is most of the time.  But there's a great depth underneath the crust.  He's got a hundred good qualities and I'd overdo it if I sat here and typed a bunch of them.  So I'll wind it down. 

He's a great guy and he's a man I'm proud to call my brother.

Jason is a reason for being.

010. ROBIN

Sometimes you meet people in your life who become very close friends.  And sometimes, they become so close you consider them family.  I'm sure every single person who reads this knows what I'm talking about.  In the case of this woman...  I'm extremely fortunate because she really is my family.  And one of my best friends in the entire world.

Robin remembers more things about our childhood than I do.  She tells me stories of things that happened when we were younger.  Especially things that meant a lot to her.  I don't remember everything, but I do remember certain things.

I remember thinking Robin was an outsider.  All of the kids had a sibling they were close to.  But Robin never seemed to fit in to any group forming in the family.  That may not be how she remembers it, but it's how I remember being drawn to her.  I hated that in a family full of people, she was alone like I felt.  And I made it my mission to get close to her.

She was my friend all through school and afterward.  Even though sometimes we wouldn't talk for months, we'd get back in touch and it was like we hadn't been apart at all.  I spend more time with her than any other family member, so it's only natural I feel a special bond to her family.

Now let me tell you some things I admire about this woman...  Robin is fiercely loyal to the people she loves.  She's been a scrapper her whole life and I've never known a girl more ready to throw down if someone she loved was threatened.  She's protective to a fault.  I love that she loves people so deeply.  It makes me feel valued and cared for.  It can also be scary if you're not used to it.  But I am, and I find it a quality I love in her.

She's passionate about what she does.  She approaches a project with her whole heart and won't stop until she's achieved her goal.  She's baked cookies for the entire primary.  And not just little sugar cookies, we're talking three layer, bear cookies.  

Her capacity for love is unmatched.  It makes her complicated and challenging.  I've never told her this, but I've always looked for a mate who shares these qualities with her.  She has just the right blend of complexity, crazy and love.  

She's smart and can see through people fairly quickly.  I've noticed she's trying to avoid using that skill so much these days.  She's trying to look at people more compassionately and even that is admirable.  But deep down, she knows when she's being played. 

Fact is, even if (for some strange reason) I ended up not talking to my whole family, Robin and I would still be in touch.  Our friendship is sick and eternal.  And sadly for her, genetic.

Robin is a reason for being.

009. ZEV

As I write this entry, Zev is missing.  She got out last night and we haven't been able to find her all day.  Chances are, she's just moping around somewhere and will come back when she's ready.  But I have a sick feeling in my stomach that someone has hurt her or she's been attacked or something...  It overwhelms me.  And makes me feel just sick inside.

If something has befallen her and she's gone, I will lose one of the most precious beings in my life.  And there's no way I can ever come to grips with that.

Zev came to me in North Carolina.  This girl I worked with, Kendra, had a cat named Midnight.  As much as I was appalled by the way Kendra took care of her cat, I was grateful to get Zev.  Midnight was having litter after litter of kittens.  Kendra would not get her fixed.

Shortly after she arrived, Zev was pregnant but after she had her litter, we got her fixed.

I could go on and on about Zev and experiences I had with her.  She was always near me and when I was sick or sad, she was there comforting me.  She'd cuddle next to me and lick my forehead when I was sick until I could fall asleep.  When I was sad, she would tuck her head under my chin and rub while she purred softly.  It was her way of saying, "You're loved"; and it always made me feel better.

She was so possessive of me and wanted to be near me so much it was often annoying.  I'd get mad and move her out of the way, but the truth is I secretly loved the attention.

Zev was Gizsch and Zyeet's mom.  I can't imagine life without her.  It's tearing me up being at work while Zev is missing.  I'm blubbering like a baby and I have no one to turn to.  That's not true.  I have God.  And all day I've sent out little prayers hoping he would turn her towards home.

She's more than a pet to me.  She's like my own child.  And I'm horrified I may never see her again.  No matter what, I will love her always.  I hope she's had a good life and knows how much she was loved and wanted.  Every day of her life.

This is an update...  I found Zev the other night.  Kaison is still missing and I'm worried sick about him.  But Zev is home.  I really believe God was at work.  I was sitting on the stairs, thinking about her and I stood up, went out the door and started walking.  I walked in a virtual straight line to Zev.  When I saw a dark shape on a block wall, I said, "Zev" and she answered back.  There was no turning, no random searching...  Just a steady pace to the spot where she was located.  She came straight to me, climbed up in my arms and seems to be relieved her ordeal is over.  I know animals can learn from behavior and I hope Zev has learned a lesson.  You'd think Kaison would've after getting lost last time.  It almost seems like I'm overdoing it asking God to help him come home.

January 06, 2014...  Update:  It's Monday.  Two nights ago, Zev passed away.  She's been sick this past little while and I was giving her medication every day.  She never seemed to get better, but she stopped getting worse.  She kinda leveled out.  The Vet told me it was a matter of time, but I didn't know how much.  She mewed very softly at me and I bundled her up and cuddled with her til the end.  I petted her gently until she passed away in my arms.

I feel so awful right now.  I miss her so much.  As annoying as she could be, she was still my Zevers and my heart is broken.  I will never forget you or stop loving you, baby Zev.  Goodbye

Zev is a reason for being

008. KAEL

Today I wanna write about Kael Seely.  This handsome kid is my nephew and he lives in beautiful Fort MacLeod.  For those of you who have no idea where that is, it's in Canada.  I had an experience with him last week that prompts me to write about him.

In reality I've only had 4 visits with him.  He was born in Canada and we rarely see their family.  He's my sister, Rachel's son.  My first meeting with him was when he was a baby.  Rachel and Tim came down so everyone could meet him.  There have been three other times, the most recent being a couple months ago.

My impression of Kael...  He's energetic, good-natured and mischievous.  There's so many qualities that typify a normal boy and he's got all of them.  He's got a twinkle in his eye that says, "watch out, I'm secretly up to no good".  More than anything I love his ready smile.  He's quick to laugh and always flashes you a sparkling smile.

My lack of contact with them means I don't have as many opportunities to develop my relationships with the Seeley family members.  It doesn't stop me from wanting Kael to think of me as an adult who loves him; a person he can depend on; someone he could turn to if he had a problem.

So Rachel calls me and mentions a story about Kael.  He was watching a DVD I'd sent for his birthday with his cousins and he told them I sent it to him because I love him.

To me, this little anecdote sends me into orbit.  This is exactly what I want him to feel.  Loved!  And the fact he knows it makes me feel like millions of dollars.  I know he's young and he'll change as he grows.  At some point, I'll have to update this entry.  For now, I'll close by commenting on what a remarkable kid he is.  His parents should be commended and they should also be proud.

UPDATE: So I found a nickname for Kael.  It all relates to a story dad told me about Kael.  It happened while he was visiting the Seely's in Canada.  Kael put on his suit for church and his dad had to search him at the door.  He had something like 17 cars tucked in pockets and hidden all over his body.  He was ready for church!  Lol. I know it's not an accurate use of the term, but I've decided to call him "Shakedown".  I always get a mental image of some dude being patted down when I hear that word and now it makes me think of Kael's Sunday car search before church.

Kael is a reason for being.

007. ANDREA

Andrea is Becky's daughter.  She's an amazing young woman and I adore her.  I don't share close relationships with Becky's kids as much as I do some of the other ones, but I enjoy being around them and I'm always amazed at what they're doing with their lives.  

My feelings about Andrea are probably misguided and not completely accurate as I don't have as much contact with her.  So I guess I'm just throwing that out there in advance.

I've always figured life would be harder for Andrea.  She's following Amy.  And that would be an almost impossible task.  Amy is virtually the single most incredible kid I've ever known.  She's good at everything.  So imagine you're Andrea...  In a way, I relate to her.  I was a year behind Becky in school and I remember teachers saying things to me like, "why can't you be more like your sister?" or, "Becky didn't do that."  I was compared to her quite a bit and that was hard.  But I never hated Becky for it.  I was proud of her and being her brother also got me a lot of leeway when it came to things like getting out of class.  There was a lot of initial trust because of her.

So I guess I think Andrea must deal with that to some extent.  People constantly comparing her to Amy.  The reality is something totally different.  Andrea and Amy are completely different people.  And where Amy pulls ahead of the pack in some areas, Andrea's strengths often clear paths for her Amy would never have.  Andrea has a quick and easy laugh.  She loves humor and more than laughing, she loves laughing with others.  She's extremely social.  She has a way of making you feel like you're the only person in the room and that you...  YOU... are the single most interesting person she's ever known.

I think she's one of those rare people with the ability to spread happiness through contact.  Oh and before I forget to mention...  Andrea is smart too.  She does well in school and is making a name for herself.  Unlike me, she's doing it without getting a bad reputation.

I think she's incredible and I'm so fortunate to know her.  I'm glad she's my niece and I'm even more grateful she's my buddy.  I still wish I was closer to her.  Not just geographically, but friendship wise.

I remember her as a kid.  Running around the house in Vegas.  She'd never come to me.  Now she's driving.  It won't be long before I lose her forever.  She'll move on with her life and I'll miss my chance to spend time with this beautiful young woman.

For what it's worth, I think she's wonderful.  I want to be a confidant.  A friend.  Someone she can depend on and talk to.  As much as I want this, I want her to be happy.

Andrea is a reason for being.

006. GRANT

This young man is my nephew, Grant.  Although I've never called him it in person, whenever I think of him...  In my mind, I call him Grant Apple.  I have no idea why.  I have a tendency to nickname everyone who means anything to me.  They just take on names that seem appropriate to me.  Though where "Grant Apple" comes from I will never know.

I don't know Grant as much as I want to.  They live about 300 miles from me.  I try to keep in touch, but it's not the same as spending time with someone and getting to know them.  

I think Grant knows I love him.  I think he knows I even like him a lot as a person.  I appreciate his thoughtful nature.  The last time he was here, we talked about some stuff I was writing and he asked extremely thoughtful questions that helped me work out some ideas I had.  He also offered his suggestions and shared his opinions on some of my ideas.  It made my work more effective and I was inspired to write quite a bit afterward because of that conversation.  Danielle was a part of it was well...  I don't want to leave her out, but it meant a lot to me that Grant talked to me.  That he was willing to help me.

It sounds almost selfish when I put it like that.  In many ways, my relationship with him is selfish.  I want to be an adult Grant can rely on.  I want him to see me as someone he can trust, someone who has his best interests in mind...  I envision a time in his life when the world is completely against him and he sits down and counts the people he can turn to.  I want to be one of the first names he thinks of.

And yet, I benefit the most from contact with him.  I get to be the cool uncle.  I enjoy being around him.  Especially because Grant has such a unique perspective of the world around him.  When he talks about things, I always walk away thinking, "Ok...  That's not how I would've seen that".  He provides me with a viewpoint that sparks my own imagination.  He's got one of those personalities that looks outside the box.  I absolutely admire that quality and I've always believed these are the type of people that make the great intuitive leaps forward in thinking and science.  They are the people who take chances and move beyond the common place.

He's a great kid.  And I'm fortunate he's part of my life.  

Grant is a reason for being.

005. SHAYDE

This is Shayde.  Why is she important?  Well...  To make a long story short, I got her exactly one week to the day after Gizsch died.  And I honestly believe God led her to me.  I rescued her from some kids who were drowning a litter of unwanted kittens.  Shayde had fought her way free and the kids were chasing her.  When I got to her, one boy was about to crush her with a huge rock.  She jumped in my arms.  Taking her in and nursing her back to health took my mind off of Gizsch.  I was able to sort through some difficult feelings.

Since then, Shayde has been an interesting cat.  She's not comfortable with human touch.  Not surprising when you consider how she was treated as a kitten.  At the same time, she's constantly around me.  She loves to be at my side and is very affectionate with me.  But just to the point where she wants to be touched and then she gets feisty.

I've become attached to her and she to me.  Lately she's taken to sleeping on the same pillow I'm on.  As much as she dislikes overly aggressive petting, she's affectionate and wonderful.  No one else can experience the moments I get to share with her.

She is extremely curious and fearless.  Of all the cats I've owned, she's most like Gizsch.  Nothing frightens her.  She's the first to approach a stranger, the first to walk outside and the first to look at anything new in the house.  She adjusts to moving better than the others and she's also the only cat I've owned that isn't bothered by traveling in a vehicle.  Pretty cool kitty for sure.

Anyway, as much as I care about my pets, they are surrogate children to me.  

Shayde is a reason for being.

004. ASHLYN

Not exactly the best photograph of her, but this young woman is my niece, Ashlyn.  Let me tell you about this remarkable young lady...

The first thing I think when I see her now is, "Holy Smokes, she's tall!"  She's got a natural easy beauty and she's gracefully tall.  

I remember when she was younger Ashlyn was one of those sensitive kids who got their feelings hurt very easily.  If you looked at her the wrong way, she thought you didn't like her.  That was a bit if a struggle for me.  I've always been paranoid about what my sisters and brothers would think about me with their kids.  And having a child that cried "Wolf" all the time made me uncomfortable.  

But she grew out of that phase and matured quite a lot.  We share some of the same taste when it comes to music.  I really like that about her.  I also like how eager she is to assume responsibility.  This is a young woman who wants to be trusted and is worthy of it.  She has excellent character and is quite capable of handling things.  I think we still like to think of her as our little girl, but she's already so much more.

I like the fact that I can call her up now and again and just hang with her.  She's fun to talk to, great to drive around with and I enjoy seeing movies with her.  I need to find more opportunities to be around her.  She's certainly worth it.

My biggest concern for her is her beauty.  Pretty girls aren't always treated nicely by other girls.  Especially ones who aren't as pretty as she is.  I think she struggles with this concept.  She wants to be liked and she wants to be friends with everyone.  But, and I mean this almost exclusively to females, other girls can be vicious for no other reason than you look better than them.

Still, I think she's the kinda kid who won't dwell on that kind of thing too much.  I think she'll find her own stride and move over the petty problems.

She's a true friend to me and that's what I consider important.  In her life, I want to be someone she can talk to...  Someone she can count on.  I want her to know I'll be there for her if she needs anything.  I'm here.  I hope she feels that.  I feel a great deal of attachment to her.

Ashlyn is a reason for being.

003. DAD

How do you begin to describe a man who has filled so many conflicted spaces in your heart, mind and soul?  Growing up, I saw him as a distant figure I couldn't relate to.  When you're young, everything seems new.  As your mind discovers ideas and concepts, you think you're the first to stumble upon them.  It isn't until much later in life you learn it's all been mulled over a million times by hundreds of thousands of minds since the beginning of the human race.  I lost myself in the arrogance of my intelligence and saw dad as a cog in a wheel.  He had his likes; few of which I shared.  I didn't understand him, so I looked at him as a father according to what I thought a father was.

I guess that idea was more emotional than practical.  I didn't stop to think about how he provided for his family financially.  I just expected it.  As a kid, I was more concerned with the lack of attention I felt.  Between his work, church callings and personal interests, he never seemed to have time for me.  As an adult, I don't know how he did it.  I feel overwhelmed with work sometimes.  How he did as much as he did is just beyond me.

It wasn't until much later in life that I actually formed a relationship with my dad.  I think my interest in him started when I finally accepted the fact he was a human being and not some vague childish concept of a dad.  I looked at him from the perspective of someone who was under a lot of pressure.  That's when I started to understand the degree of responsibility he shouldered.  As a Stake President, he was responsible for the spiritual well being of hundreds of people.  All of whom wanted a little bit of his time.  Tack on his work and family...  It's a miracle he had a free minute at all.  Even today I think his time is in demand.

So I loosened up my harsh opinion of him and decided to get to know him as a person.  I think the turning point for me was one conversation we had.  I won't go into the specifics because they're personal, but he gave me this relationship advice.  He said, no matter how much you're tempted, don't speak bad about your spouse.  

Since then, I've realized the wisdom in this statement.  It transformed my life.  I don't always succeed in my efforts to live up to this standard, but I at least have a target to shoot for.

The more time I spend with him, the more I learn from him.  He has faults, like all men, but he's also got the wisdom of a man with experience.  I've gained a lot of respect for him because he tries to live life the way he believes it should be lived.  He begins every business arrangement as honestly as he can.  He embodies many of the characteristics we consider out-dated or old fashioned.  He has integrity, honor, honesty, generosity, loyalty and a peaceful demeanor.  He's the kind of man I imagined a knight would have to be.

You know I could spend a long time writing stories about dad.  Telling you all about our adventures.  Some of our successes and failures.  But I think the most important thing I could tell you right now is he's one of my closest friends.  I value his companionship.  I look forward to spending time with him.

He's helped me find a life path and that's one thing I've always struggled with.  So there you go...  

That's why dad is a reason for being.

002. CORBIN

Anyone who knows me knows about Corbin.  He's my sister Robin's middle child.  Right smack in the middle.  Just like she is in our family line-up.  

I used to tease Robin by telling her she'd have to have babies for me someday.  In a way, she has.  I'm close to all her children.  Her oldest boy, Ethan, is one of my closest friends.  Corbin is a different story.  Not because he's any different from the rest of them,  but because of what he brought out in me.

Corbin was born when Robin and Craig were moving to St. George, UT.  They actually delayed the date they took up residence in their new house until he came home from the hospital.  Craig was still working in Las Vegas and he commuted every week.  I spent a lot of time helping Robin because we're so close and she needed me.

It's not surprising that Corbin took to me as a father figure.  I was a surrogate dad for him those first couple years while Craig was transitioning to St. George.  

Let me say up front, I love all my nieces and nephews!  I don't like to take favorites.  Although everyone knows Corbin is special to me it's not because I picked him.  He picked me.  For some reason, he latched onto me and wanted to be where I was.  If I was in the room, he wanted to be with me.  If we were going someplace, he wanted me to hold him.

One extreme example of this was a night when Corbin was really sick.  He'd cried all day and Robin was completely worn out.  He wouldn't stop crying no matter what she did.  She called me about midnight in tears and asked me to come hold him long enough for her to get a couple hours sleep.  When I got there, Corbin crawled up in my arms and was asleep before I even started rocking him.

That degree of trust and dependency...  It brought out my own feelings of fatherhood and wanting to be a dad.  I've always wanted a son or daughter.  Corbin brings those impulses out in me strongly.  So that's why he's impacted my life so greatly.

He's an interesting kid.  He sees the world in an almost cutthroat way.  He's always been drawn to predators.  His first fascination was dinosaurs.  But he only liked the carnivores.  Then he moved on to sharks, snakes...  He's gone through a pirate phase and is currently into Star Wars.  Still, it's the characters he fixates on.  He seems to choose the ones who dominate or prey on the weak.

I think he sees the world as a competitive place and I suspect he'll do just fine in it.  He has a strong sense of self and a healthy ego.

If I had to say who I want to be in his life, I'd say I want to be someone Corbin can rely on.  I want him to know he is safe with me.  I'll be there when he needs me and he's not alone in the world.  I think that's an important thing for kids to have a strong sense of security.

Corbin is a reason for being.