It's hard to write because everything I want to say feels useless and awful. One of my reasons to write this blog is to let my family members know how they impact my life. I wanted to share how knowing them has enriched me or made me a better person. But that type of knowledge comes with knowing someone over time. It comes with interaction. It comes with building a relationship.
I will never get to do that with Mathias Seely. I will never see him, never hold him, never tell him how much I love him... My heart is broken.
For the past couple of days, all I've thought about is what he won't get to do in life. He won't blow out candles on birthday cakes, cuddle with puppies, open Christmas presents, trick or treat, run through snow, swim in the lake, listen to music or fall in love.
And I think about the useless horrible ache in my dear sister, Rachel's heart... How she and Tim will now have to go through life loving a child they can never hold or share anything with. There will be no first steps, no gentle goodnight whispers of "I love you" in their ears, no excitement when he sees fireworks or laughter. He will be the one they can only love but do nothing for.
I don't know how to make it better. I don't know how to get these feelings out of my gut because there's no one to tell how much I love him. I can't reassure him or give him anything. There's no display of emotion or thing I can do to let this little man know how excited I was to meet him, how much I wanted to know him, how happy I was he was coming or how sad I feel now that he won't get to taste ice cream or read books.
To me, Mathias is someone I know will change my life in a fundamental way. Right now, he's a feeling inside I don't understand and can't cope with. I feel utterly overwhelmed.
I don't know how my life will benefit this little spirit, but I still believe he is a reason for being.
As I've considered this blog, I've had a hard time coming back to it. There's been so much going on and so many things happening in my life. But I don't want to die and have my family not know how much I care for them. I want each one of these to be a message I'm sending out. I want all of you guys to know how I think and feel about each and every one of you. But I can't do that if I let my feelings prevent me from writing here.
So, without further complication, I want to introduce the world to my darling niece, Danielle. I call her "Echo Danielley" because it's a line from that movie, "Only You" and whenever I think of her name, that's what pops into my head.
One of the things I love most about this beautiful girl is her nerd level. It's completely and utterly neck and neck with my own. When I'm around her, I can geek out all I want and it's fun. She doesn't judge me for liking Disney movies, reading comics or doing anything adult men shouldn't do. She hikes her belt up and joins in.
She's also the reason I started listening to Owl City. Without her, I'd never have discovered this band and I've come to love that music.
I think Danny is a tender soul. I watch her sometimes and see a lot of caution behind her eyes. As if she's waiting for the world to throw its next punch. I think this sensitive and highly observant young woman has a pretty firm grip on the world around her, but at the same time, she's cautious about trusting and getting hurt. She's far more advanced emotionally than someone her age should be. And she has more perspective than most young people.
That makes me incredibly sad.
It's hard to live life without expectation. And to some degree, I think she let's things roll over her because they cause too much pain.
On the other hand, I see a brilliance in her. I think of stories and have all kinds of ideas. But she does too. And her visions are more in tune with the world than my own. She's tapped into modern pop culture artistically. She knows what's hot, what people want to see, what they're into and she has the talent to deliver it. For the past few years, she's turned to freehand sketching and her talent is outrageous. Her lines are clean, well-formed and she can draw in any one of a number of styles.
I can copy drawings I see. I can look at them and draw them almost exactly like what I was looking at, but she can mimic the style and draw something completely new and different based on a drawing. She's way beyond me. I continue to find new reasons to respect her.
There's a part of me that sees Danielle as a future artistic partner. I suspect there will come a time in life when we create some sort of literary, media driven or audio empire and she'll be my collaborator. But that will never happen if I don't get it together and start writing and working harder. Although I love the idea.
Nothing would make me more happy than to have this delightful, wonderful, amazing woman a more frequent and regular part of my life.
I also think being around her would be a good thing for her. She needs someone who will push her outside of her comfort zone while at the same time, knowing when to stop and pull back. She needs to be understood, accepted and loved.
She is a beacon of hope in a world of lonely darkness. And I say this with the strength of my whole heart...
Danielle is a reason for being.
