018. MATHIAS

It's hard to write because everything I want to say feels useless and awful.  One of my reasons to write this blog is to let my family members know how they impact my life.  I wanted to share how knowing them has enriched me or made me a better person.  But that type of knowledge comes with knowing someone over time.  It comes with interaction.  It comes with building a relationship.

I will never get to do that with Mathias Seely.  I will never see him, never hold him, never tell him how much I love him...  My heart is broken.

For the past couple of days, all I've thought about is what he won't get to do in life.  He won't blow out candles on birthday cakes, cuddle with puppies, open Christmas presents, trick or treat, run through snow, swim in the lake, listen to music or fall in love.

And I think about the useless horrible ache in my dear sister, Rachel's heart...  How she and Tim will now have to go through life loving a child they can never hold or share anything with.  There will be no first steps, no gentle goodnight whispers of "I love you" in their ears, no excitement when he sees fireworks or laughter.  He will be the one they can only love but do nothing for.

I don't know how to make it better.  I don't know how to get these feelings out of my gut because there's no one to tell how much I love him.  I can't reassure him or give him anything.  There's no display of emotion or thing I can do to let this little man know how excited I was to meet him, how much I wanted to know him, how happy I was he was coming or how sad I feel now that he won't get to taste ice cream or read books.

To me, Mathias is someone I know will change my life in a fundamental way.  Right now, he's a feeling inside I don't understand and can't cope with.  I feel utterly overwhelmed.

I don't know how my life will benefit this little spirit, but I still believe he is a reason for being.