007. ANDREA

Andrea is Becky's daughter.  She's an amazing young woman and I adore her.  I don't share close relationships with Becky's kids as much as I do some of the other ones, but I enjoy being around them and I'm always amazed at what they're doing with their lives.  

My feelings about Andrea are probably misguided and not completely accurate as I don't have as much contact with her.  So I guess I'm just throwing that out there in advance.

I've always figured life would be harder for Andrea.  She's following Amy.  And that would be an almost impossible task.  Amy is virtually the single most incredible kid I've ever known.  She's good at everything.  So imagine you're Andrea...  In a way, I relate to her.  I was a year behind Becky in school and I remember teachers saying things to me like, "why can't you be more like your sister?" or, "Becky didn't do that."  I was compared to her quite a bit and that was hard.  But I never hated Becky for it.  I was proud of her and being her brother also got me a lot of leeway when it came to things like getting out of class.  There was a lot of initial trust because of her.

So I guess I think Andrea must deal with that to some extent.  People constantly comparing her to Amy.  The reality is something totally different.  Andrea and Amy are completely different people.  And where Amy pulls ahead of the pack in some areas, Andrea's strengths often clear paths for her Amy would never have.  Andrea has a quick and easy laugh.  She loves humor and more than laughing, she loves laughing with others.  She's extremely social.  She has a way of making you feel like you're the only person in the room and that you...  YOU... are the single most interesting person she's ever known.

I think she's one of those rare people with the ability to spread happiness through contact.  Oh and before I forget to mention...  Andrea is smart too.  She does well in school and is making a name for herself.  Unlike me, she's doing it without getting a bad reputation.

I think she's incredible and I'm so fortunate to know her.  I'm glad she's my niece and I'm even more grateful she's my buddy.  I still wish I was closer to her.  Not just geographically, but friendship wise.

I remember her as a kid.  Running around the house in Vegas.  She'd never come to me.  Now she's driving.  It won't be long before I lose her forever.  She'll move on with her life and I'll miss my chance to spend time with this beautiful young woman.

For what it's worth, I think she's wonderful.  I want to be a confidant.  A friend.  Someone she can depend on and talk to.  As much as I want this, I want her to be happy.

Andrea is a reason for being.

006. GRANT

This young man is my nephew, Grant.  Although I've never called him it in person, whenever I think of him...  In my mind, I call him Grant Apple.  I have no idea why.  I have a tendency to nickname everyone who means anything to me.  They just take on names that seem appropriate to me.  Though where "Grant Apple" comes from I will never know.

I don't know Grant as much as I want to.  They live about 300 miles from me.  I try to keep in touch, but it's not the same as spending time with someone and getting to know them.  

I think Grant knows I love him.  I think he knows I even like him a lot as a person.  I appreciate his thoughtful nature.  The last time he was here, we talked about some stuff I was writing and he asked extremely thoughtful questions that helped me work out some ideas I had.  He also offered his suggestions and shared his opinions on some of my ideas.  It made my work more effective and I was inspired to write quite a bit afterward because of that conversation.  Danielle was a part of it was well...  I don't want to leave her out, but it meant a lot to me that Grant talked to me.  That he was willing to help me.

It sounds almost selfish when I put it like that.  In many ways, my relationship with him is selfish.  I want to be an adult Grant can rely on.  I want him to see me as someone he can trust, someone who has his best interests in mind...  I envision a time in his life when the world is completely against him and he sits down and counts the people he can turn to.  I want to be one of the first names he thinks of.

And yet, I benefit the most from contact with him.  I get to be the cool uncle.  I enjoy being around him.  Especially because Grant has such a unique perspective of the world around him.  When he talks about things, I always walk away thinking, "Ok...  That's not how I would've seen that".  He provides me with a viewpoint that sparks my own imagination.  He's got one of those personalities that looks outside the box.  I absolutely admire that quality and I've always believed these are the type of people that make the great intuitive leaps forward in thinking and science.  They are the people who take chances and move beyond the common place.

He's a great kid.  And I'm fortunate he's part of my life.  

Grant is a reason for being.

005. SHAYDE

This is Shayde.  Why is she important?  Well...  To make a long story short, I got her exactly one week to the day after Gizsch died.  And I honestly believe God led her to me.  I rescued her from some kids who were drowning a litter of unwanted kittens.  Shayde had fought her way free and the kids were chasing her.  When I got to her, one boy was about to crush her with a huge rock.  She jumped in my arms.  Taking her in and nursing her back to health took my mind off of Gizsch.  I was able to sort through some difficult feelings.

Since then, Shayde has been an interesting cat.  She's not comfortable with human touch.  Not surprising when you consider how she was treated as a kitten.  At the same time, she's constantly around me.  She loves to be at my side and is very affectionate with me.  But just to the point where she wants to be touched and then she gets feisty.

I've become attached to her and she to me.  Lately she's taken to sleeping on the same pillow I'm on.  As much as she dislikes overly aggressive petting, she's affectionate and wonderful.  No one else can experience the moments I get to share with her.

She is extremely curious and fearless.  Of all the cats I've owned, she's most like Gizsch.  Nothing frightens her.  She's the first to approach a stranger, the first to walk outside and the first to look at anything new in the house.  She adjusts to moving better than the others and she's also the only cat I've owned that isn't bothered by traveling in a vehicle.  Pretty cool kitty for sure.

Anyway, as much as I care about my pets, they are surrogate children to me.  

Shayde is a reason for being.

004. ASHLYN

Not exactly the best photograph of her, but this young woman is my niece, Ashlyn.  Let me tell you about this remarkable young lady...

The first thing I think when I see her now is, "Holy Smokes, she's tall!"  She's got a natural easy beauty and she's gracefully tall.  

I remember when she was younger Ashlyn was one of those sensitive kids who got their feelings hurt very easily.  If you looked at her the wrong way, she thought you didn't like her.  That was a bit if a struggle for me.  I've always been paranoid about what my sisters and brothers would think about me with their kids.  And having a child that cried "Wolf" all the time made me uncomfortable.  

But she grew out of that phase and matured quite a lot.  We share some of the same taste when it comes to music.  I really like that about her.  I also like how eager she is to assume responsibility.  This is a young woman who wants to be trusted and is worthy of it.  She has excellent character and is quite capable of handling things.  I think we still like to think of her as our little girl, but she's already so much more.

I like the fact that I can call her up now and again and just hang with her.  She's fun to talk to, great to drive around with and I enjoy seeing movies with her.  I need to find more opportunities to be around her.  She's certainly worth it.

My biggest concern for her is her beauty.  Pretty girls aren't always treated nicely by other girls.  Especially ones who aren't as pretty as she is.  I think she struggles with this concept.  She wants to be liked and she wants to be friends with everyone.  But, and I mean this almost exclusively to females, other girls can be vicious for no other reason than you look better than them.

Still, I think she's the kinda kid who won't dwell on that kind of thing too much.  I think she'll find her own stride and move over the petty problems.

She's a true friend to me and that's what I consider important.  In her life, I want to be someone she can talk to...  Someone she can count on.  I want her to know I'll be there for her if she needs anything.  I'm here.  I hope she feels that.  I feel a great deal of attachment to her.

Ashlyn is a reason for being.

003. DAD

How do you begin to describe a man who has filled so many conflicted spaces in your heart, mind and soul?  Growing up, I saw him as a distant figure I couldn't relate to.  When you're young, everything seems new.  As your mind discovers ideas and concepts, you think you're the first to stumble upon them.  It isn't until much later in life you learn it's all been mulled over a million times by hundreds of thousands of minds since the beginning of the human race.  I lost myself in the arrogance of my intelligence and saw dad as a cog in a wheel.  He had his likes; few of which I shared.  I didn't understand him, so I looked at him as a father according to what I thought a father was.

I guess that idea was more emotional than practical.  I didn't stop to think about how he provided for his family financially.  I just expected it.  As a kid, I was more concerned with the lack of attention I felt.  Between his work, church callings and personal interests, he never seemed to have time for me.  As an adult, I don't know how he did it.  I feel overwhelmed with work sometimes.  How he did as much as he did is just beyond me.

It wasn't until much later in life that I actually formed a relationship with my dad.  I think my interest in him started when I finally accepted the fact he was a human being and not some vague childish concept of a dad.  I looked at him from the perspective of someone who was under a lot of pressure.  That's when I started to understand the degree of responsibility he shouldered.  As a Stake President, he was responsible for the spiritual well being of hundreds of people.  All of whom wanted a little bit of his time.  Tack on his work and family...  It's a miracle he had a free minute at all.  Even today I think his time is in demand.

So I loosened up my harsh opinion of him and decided to get to know him as a person.  I think the turning point for me was one conversation we had.  I won't go into the specifics because they're personal, but he gave me this relationship advice.  He said, no matter how much you're tempted, don't speak bad about your spouse.  

Since then, I've realized the wisdom in this statement.  It transformed my life.  I don't always succeed in my efforts to live up to this standard, but I at least have a target to shoot for.

The more time I spend with him, the more I learn from him.  He has faults, like all men, but he's also got the wisdom of a man with experience.  I've gained a lot of respect for him because he tries to live life the way he believes it should be lived.  He begins every business arrangement as honestly as he can.  He embodies many of the characteristics we consider out-dated or old fashioned.  He has integrity, honor, honesty, generosity, loyalty and a peaceful demeanor.  He's the kind of man I imagined a knight would have to be.

You know I could spend a long time writing stories about dad.  Telling you all about our adventures.  Some of our successes and failures.  But I think the most important thing I could tell you right now is he's one of my closest friends.  I value his companionship.  I look forward to spending time with him.

He's helped me find a life path and that's one thing I've always struggled with.  So there you go...  

That's why dad is a reason for being.

002. CORBIN

Anyone who knows me knows about Corbin.  He's my sister Robin's middle child.  Right smack in the middle.  Just like she is in our family line-up.  

I used to tease Robin by telling her she'd have to have babies for me someday.  In a way, she has.  I'm close to all her children.  Her oldest boy, Ethan, is one of my closest friends.  Corbin is a different story.  Not because he's any different from the rest of them,  but because of what he brought out in me.

Corbin was born when Robin and Craig were moving to St. George, UT.  They actually delayed the date they took up residence in their new house until he came home from the hospital.  Craig was still working in Las Vegas and he commuted every week.  I spent a lot of time helping Robin because we're so close and she needed me.

It's not surprising that Corbin took to me as a father figure.  I was a surrogate dad for him those first couple years while Craig was transitioning to St. George.  

Let me say up front, I love all my nieces and nephews!  I don't like to take favorites.  Although everyone knows Corbin is special to me it's not because I picked him.  He picked me.  For some reason, he latched onto me and wanted to be where I was.  If I was in the room, he wanted to be with me.  If we were going someplace, he wanted me to hold him.

One extreme example of this was a night when Corbin was really sick.  He'd cried all day and Robin was completely worn out.  He wouldn't stop crying no matter what she did.  She called me about midnight in tears and asked me to come hold him long enough for her to get a couple hours sleep.  When I got there, Corbin crawled up in my arms and was asleep before I even started rocking him.

That degree of trust and dependency...  It brought out my own feelings of fatherhood and wanting to be a dad.  I've always wanted a son or daughter.  Corbin brings those impulses out in me strongly.  So that's why he's impacted my life so greatly.

He's an interesting kid.  He sees the world in an almost cutthroat way.  He's always been drawn to predators.  His first fascination was dinosaurs.  But he only liked the carnivores.  Then he moved on to sharks, snakes...  He's gone through a pirate phase and is currently into Star Wars.  Still, it's the characters he fixates on.  He seems to choose the ones who dominate or prey on the weak.

I think he sees the world as a competitive place and I suspect he'll do just fine in it.  He has a strong sense of self and a healthy ego.

If I had to say who I want to be in his life, I'd say I want to be someone Corbin can rely on.  I want him to know he is safe with me.  I'll be there when he needs me and he's not alone in the world.  I think that's an important thing for kids to have a strong sense of security.

Corbin is a reason for being.

001. ANNIE

This is my sister, Annie.  I already know how she will see this entry.  She'll think it's my way of letting the world know she's my favorite sister, (even though I have others who will argue the point), she'll tell everyone!

So why is Annie the first entry?  Good question!  And the answer is, "because I've been thinking about her a lot lately".

Annie...  My memories of her as a child are few.  I don't recall having much to do with her.  I didn't dislike her, but I wasn't spending time with her either.  As a young adult, I watched her with the eyes of an outsider.  I wasn't connected with my family as much as I am now.  My contact with them was fairly limited, so I'd see her on occasion.  Usually for a short time and then nothing for awhile.

As an adult she's something else entirely.  She's funny, complicated, direct, hidden, outgoing, generous, resounding and beautiful.  Her physical presence is a comfort.  It's relaxing to be with her.  She's quick to laugh, but even more importantly...  She wants to be happy.  Even when she's sad, she appreciates attempts to make her smile.  

I long for a closer relationship with her.  I'm sometimes jealous of her friends or family members who enjoy more contact.  She and I have similar taste in humor.  Often low brow and sometimes crass.  She's one of a few people who can understand and appreciate my obsessions.  Especially music.

Right now she's on my mind because of some things that've happened in her life. In other states, a woman of Annie's age who wasn't married might raise an eyebrow or two, there may even be rumors told by gossips, but it wouldn't be abnormal the way it is in Utah.  Here, women are pressured to marry.  The sooner the better.

I don't know if she even realizes how much it effects her.  She believes in her faith and in so many ways, she sees herself as failing because she's not following "the plan".  The more she struggles with this, the more difficult her life becomes.  On one hand, the church promises salvation through a temple marriage.  On the other, society is constantly telling you to fall in love.  So which one is it?  Fall in love or marry an LDS guy?  What happens if you can't find him in the same person?

I feel like Annie is on the cusp of understanding.  I think she's waking up to the world around her and finally seeing it for what it really is and not just the Disney fairytale it pretends to be.  Part of her is afraid of it.  Like when you realize your parents are only human.  But there's another side to her that is lunging at the gate, ready to spring into an unbridled sprint toward victory.  She has the capacity and the strength to shoulder the burden of some intense knowledge.  And I think she's discovering this more and more each day.  I believe she's realizing who God really is.  Her comprehension and understanding are blossoming.  It's filling her up.  It's also complicating her life because she's mixing it with the mundane reality of "the plan".

The fact is....

I love her.  And I think about her because I wish I could help her overcome some of her hangups.  I want to make memories of green trees, beaches on the outer reaches and red sunsets fade from her mind.

Come back to the arms of red canyons and golden sunsets with embraces big enough to swallow your sadness.  Find peace in the voices you know so well.  No matter where she goes or what she does, the people around her will never know how valuable and important she is to the lives of her family here.  She makes each of us significant.  

Annie is a reason for being.

Update:  My dear sweet little sister passed away tonight.  Zev is comforting me, my family is broken hearted and the world seems darker.  

Dear Annie,
For you, I promise to laugh everyday.  I will look for ways to brighten the lives of the people we shared and loved.  I will love fiercely, give generously and laugh long and loudly at even the most crude humor.  (well, if it's funny.)  I never told you enough, I love you.  I love you everyday and think about you often.  You are a shining star in my life and you will always be a part of me.  I take you from my life and place you carefully, but firmly in my heart.  

MY REASONS FOR BEING...

Ok, this is me.  See me staring at myself in the camera phone and giving you the chance to view me in magnificent glory.  Hehehe.

I know what you're thinking...  Another blog?  I will start this one off by letting you know about things that are important to me.  I used to write an online journal, but I wavered in recent years and I guess a part of me wishes I'd continued to post that stuff.  So...  In the meantime...  I'll write this blog to talk about what's important to me and give you insight into how I view the world.

Epiphanies can happen instantly, or they can sneak up on you gradually.  In my case, I finally woke up and realized some very small, simple truths that dictate how I live my life right now.  And I'll share them with you.

1)  Focusing Your Energy - I realized I spent too much time, money and resources on people I didn't care about.  Whether it was obsessing about why someone I didn't even like hated me or why I'd lost a job, to loaning casual acquaintances money I didn't have, to hanging out with people I didn't enjoy being around and didn't like.

I would give to people who didn't value my contributions and who gave me nothing in return.  I would seek the approval of people who's opinions I actually didn't care for.  What a terrible waste.  I still fall victim to it today on occasion.   But for the most part, I've been able to control it.

Now, I invest in those I care about.  Whether it's time, money or whatever...  I've learned to prioritize my resources and direct them toward those people who deserve them.  Namely, my family and close friends.

2)  Choosing Your Role - I've come to realize, just because people are related, doesn't mean they get along or like each other.  Throughout my life I've been closer to some family members and distant from others.  Although there are many reasons for these relationships to be weak or strong, some of them are reasons I can control.

I could go on and on about this topic, but let me boil it down as simply as I can.  I consider a person...  Let's say my Mom for example...  I have my opinion of her and I'm sure she has one of me.  So I think about my relationship with her and, (here's where it gets a little morbid), I think about how I'd want her to remember me if I died tomorrow.  In her case, I want her to remember me as someone she could talk to.  Someone she could confide in, but who wouldn't judge her choices and someone who encouraged her.  I'd want her to think of me as the person who helped her become more assertive in expressing her feelings.  Most of all, I want her to remember me as a friend.

With this image in mind, I approach each contact with her as an opportunity to build that image in her mind.  It influences my decisions in regard to her.  For example, if she asked me to help her haul some furniture...  I weigh the decision like this... "Will helping her right now help me be the man I want her to know?"  If the answer is yes, I do it.  

Do I think this behavior is disingenuous...?  No, because I'm not acting.  I'm just putting forward the side of myself I want her to see and interact with.  I'm making a decision to leave the bad stuff behind and be that person.  Ultimately, I think that's what we do everyday in our lives.  In the small moments.  Like holding a door open for someone.  Or letting someone in when you're driving in traffic.  To that person, for that moment...  You are a very specific type of person.  And that's how they will think of you.  I want my impressions to last longer.

3)  Discovering Your Mystery - As a former Mormon, I've heard people talk about the Purpose of Life many times.  The LDS church has its answer to this question.  For some, it's one they accept; for others, it's not.  

I believe we're here for a reason.  I think we're here to solve the mysteries of our individual selves.  In every aspect of life, we assume different roles.  Many of these roles affect the way we behave.  But deep down, at the core of those masks...  There is the real you.  And you need to find that person.  It all starts with being honest with yourself and looking at yourself objectively, through critical eyes.  The more you begin to understand yourself, the more control you have over those things.  Eventually, you gain the power to be the person you want to be.  You gain your authentic self.

This would make more sense if I had hours to map out my ideas.  Most of them I took from a philosophy class I had at SCSN.  Let me just say, the more I understand myself, I more in tune I am with those around me.  I'm more respectful of others because I see how I impact them.  I can destroy people, or nurture them just through my actions.  

So...

My mission with this blog is clear to me.  When I write in it, I'm going to write about those things that matter most to me.  Those people, places, events, etc. etc.  I'll share my impressions, feelings and maybe someone will read it, maybe they won't.  But here goes...  

These are my reasons for being.