001. ANNIE

This is my sister, Annie.  I already know how she will see this entry.  She'll think it's my way of letting the world know she's my favorite sister, (even though I have others who will argue the point), she'll tell everyone!

So why is Annie the first entry?  Good question!  And the answer is, "because I've been thinking about her a lot lately".

Annie...  My memories of her as a child are few.  I don't recall having much to do with her.  I didn't dislike her, but I wasn't spending time with her either.  As a young adult, I watched her with the eyes of an outsider.  I wasn't connected with my family as much as I am now.  My contact with them was fairly limited, so I'd see her on occasion.  Usually for a short time and then nothing for awhile.

As an adult she's something else entirely.  She's funny, complicated, direct, hidden, outgoing, generous, resounding and beautiful.  Her physical presence is a comfort.  It's relaxing to be with her.  She's quick to laugh, but even more importantly...  She wants to be happy.  Even when she's sad, she appreciates attempts to make her smile.  

I long for a closer relationship with her.  I'm sometimes jealous of her friends or family members who enjoy more contact.  She and I have similar taste in humor.  Often low brow and sometimes crass.  She's one of a few people who can understand and appreciate my obsessions.  Especially music.

Right now she's on my mind because of some things that've happened in her life. In other states, a woman of Annie's age who wasn't married might raise an eyebrow or two, there may even be rumors told by gossips, but it wouldn't be abnormal the way it is in Utah.  Here, women are pressured to marry.  The sooner the better.

I don't know if she even realizes how much it effects her.  She believes in her faith and in so many ways, she sees herself as failing because she's not following "the plan".  The more she struggles with this, the more difficult her life becomes.  On one hand, the church promises salvation through a temple marriage.  On the other, society is constantly telling you to fall in love.  So which one is it?  Fall in love or marry an LDS guy?  What happens if you can't find him in the same person?

I feel like Annie is on the cusp of understanding.  I think she's waking up to the world around her and finally seeing it for what it really is and not just the Disney fairytale it pretends to be.  Part of her is afraid of it.  Like when you realize your parents are only human.  But there's another side to her that is lunging at the gate, ready to spring into an unbridled sprint toward victory.  She has the capacity and the strength to shoulder the burden of some intense knowledge.  And I think she's discovering this more and more each day.  I believe she's realizing who God really is.  Her comprehension and understanding are blossoming.  It's filling her up.  It's also complicating her life because she's mixing it with the mundane reality of "the plan".

The fact is....

I love her.  And I think about her because I wish I could help her overcome some of her hangups.  I want to make memories of green trees, beaches on the outer reaches and red sunsets fade from her mind.

Come back to the arms of red canyons and golden sunsets with embraces big enough to swallow your sadness.  Find peace in the voices you know so well.  No matter where she goes or what she does, the people around her will never know how valuable and important she is to the lives of her family here.  She makes each of us significant.  

Annie is a reason for being.

Update:  My dear sweet little sister passed away tonight.  Zev is comforting me, my family is broken hearted and the world seems darker.  

Dear Annie,
For you, I promise to laugh everyday.  I will look for ways to brighten the lives of the people we shared and loved.  I will love fiercely, give generously and laugh long and loudly at even the most crude humor.  (well, if it's funny.)  I never told you enough, I love you.  I love you everyday and think about you often.  You are a shining star in my life and you will always be a part of me.  I take you from my life and place you carefully, but firmly in my heart.